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FATHERS’ DAY TALE: “The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat”

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“Do we not see them busy uploading photos and updating their statuses on facebook while deliberations in the august house are in progress? Is that what this back-door administration is giving them a 100% pay increment for?”

 OF MY ENDLESS LOVE FOR BEER, MPs AND THEIR UNREASONABLE 100% PAY RISE

Since my good friend Chilungamo Chidziwike returned from the village where he had camped for countless weeks to campaign for his election as ward councilor, we had not met until last Friday when he gave me a call inviting me for a beer.

Actually he already gave me his location—Sports Café—for those of you who have been to the green city of Mzuzu.

I should confess here that just like my friend Chilungamo, I love beer more than anything else man’s ingenuity ever invented. As far as I am concerned, beer is the only living proof that God truly loves mankind and always wants us to be happy on earth.

So, when I got Chilungamo’s call last Friday, I had no good ground to turn down his kind gesture. And in fact, who in their right frame of their mind can decline a beer offer today with all this scarcity of the Kwacha?

“So where are you going?” my wife asked upon seeing me change into my casual garb. I had already told her I was going nowhere this ‘Father’s Day’ as Fridays have become to be known but she had openly expressed her reservation at the possibility.

She was proven right. She knows me inside out. The eleven years we have been married have not been spent in vain.

In the next twenty minutes, I was at Sports Café. Following a complaint which my good friend Chilungamo raised over Ivy’s unimpressive performance in bed last time, I was not surprised finding him in company of new faces tonight.

“Meet Laura and Flora.” My friend Chilungamo said as a matter of introducing the two beauties.

“Beautiful names,” I said, “I love their sweet rhyming effect,” I added.

I greeted the two cherubs and sat close to Flora, the ‘balloon type’ of the two, leaving Laura for my friend who always goes for the ‘pencil type’.

“The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat” Chilungamo always says.

“Barman!” yelled Chilungamo and gestured with his fingers for eight beers.

“You are buying as if you are one of these lawmakers who have just been given a 100% pay rise,” Laura commented as she rested her head on my friend’s shoulders.

I was about to say something when a certain brother-in-beer took the floor.

“These lazy MPs of ours!” he started, “What do they do in parliament to deserve this unrealistic pay hike apart from yawning and dozing waiting for the Speaker to call it a day so they can go to cuddle their Chigwiri and Bwandiro concubines?”

Everybody in the bar turned to the man, wondering whether it was him or the alcohol in him doing the talking.

“Do we not see them busy uploading photos and updating their statuses on facebook while deliberations in the august house are in progress? Is that what this back-door administration is giving them a 100% pay increment for?”

Stitches of laughter sent a tremor across the bar.

“If I were the President,” the man said, paused and helped himself to a sip from his one-third full bottle.

“Ah Beer! You know drinking…” he transgressed from the topic, “I love drinking because it is good. Also because it brings different drunkards together like this.”

“Talking about drinking,” he continued, “A friend of mine was arrested for public drinking in Ntcheu one day and the following morning he was brought before Ntcheu Magistrate Court where the magistrate charged him accordingly, ‘you have been brought here for public drinking’. Should I tell you what the drunk said? He looked around the court and told the magistrate, ‘let’s get started.’”

We all could not help laughing our lungs out. But the drunk looked serious and went on.

“Well, what was I talking about?” he asked, scratching his head, “Yes, I remember. I was saying if I were the President and my government had a lot of money in its coffers to spend, I would have subsidized beer considering that at fifty years of our independence, none of our previous governments has had the welfare of the drinking community at heart.”

Stitches of laughter again.

“I mean, why should you and I pay through the nose for a useless liquid which you consume in one minute and in the next you rush under a great urge to the urinals to pass it out?”

More uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was now convinced that the man was high on the beer he had guzzled.

“Subsidizing beer would mean we all have extra money to afford taking to bed even the most beautiful ladies like these….”

With that, the hornet’s nest was stirred up with Flora and Laura losing their cool, prompting the barman to lead the drunk out of the bar while my good friend and I drained our bottles before disappearing with our two ‘catches’.

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